Class Teacher: Ms. Padmaja Oruganti
A Flower for One
Sitting in front of my Laptop, that’s what I do. I have nothing but myself, no one knows about me. What’s the point of living if you just don’t like how you look? That’s what I ask myself everyday.
The next day I got ready for a horrid day at school. My uniform was on the table laid flat and ironed. I clearly remembered that I didn’t iron it but I ignored it and put it on. As I reached the school by bus I had realized that there wasn’t any traffic and I was actually early. At the middle of class I was starring at the window with my hand on my chin, I was bored but was mesmerized by the beautiful scenery. The tall buildings, the train tracks and the roads and to make it even better, It was raining! ‘Why is today a fairly nice day?’ I asked myself. But that was the time I felt something soft growing on my hands, I couldn’t see cause I wore full sleeves, right after school I went to look what it was, and it was terrifying sight. I had a large scar that I was so insecure of, It was a knife mark which had been black and made a lot of my friends distance from me. But rose petal were covering it. I was terrified but I had some mixed feelings about it. A feeling I couldn’t explain. I started cutting every petal, it was really painful and left a red mark on the scar which were the remains of the petals that I couldn’t cut.
The next day as I was waiting for the train to arrive so that I can go back to my home, I felt uncomfortable. Crowds. Everyone was too close to me. I couldn’t move and felt like everyone was looking at me. Why? Why can’t I handle it? As I found a seat to sit on, my neck felt weird and so did my legs. And when I looked, it was what happened yesterday but now it was different flowers, purple hyacinths. They were beautiful. I cut some up and put them in a vase. A few hours later I went up to my laptop and searched up the meaning of the hyacinth and it said ‘Im sorry or a flower for forgiveness.confused. Who is doing this to me and why are they sorry? It kept on going, everyday. It was actually weird because I hated my neck, legs and my scar, but it always seemed to grow only at those parts. A month passed by and when I got back from school I realized all the flowers I had cut had gone away, It was with for a long time… I couldn’t help but cry because those were the only flowers I had gotten in my whole entire life. The remains were only a pile of purple dust. I slept through the whole day, when I woke up, my whole body was filled with flowers once again. White hyacinths, calla lilies and lilies, it was a change for once but why my whole body? I searched up the meanings and the meaning of those flowers had made me cry, White hyacinths symbolized innocent and pure, calla lilies symbolized I was beautiful and Lilies were Purity. It was as if someone was doing this to me. Some people would say I was dramatic for crying but the reason I cried was because no one in my life had every told me these. When you hate yourself so badly and can’t resist talking to people because you’re scared of how they would judge you is my mindset. I could never talk to anyone so I always had this feeling they would look at me and judge me by how I look. As I cut my flowers with tears, all of the petals falling down, one by one. The last petal had come. I finally cut it. ‘where am I?’ I asked. A calm and gentle voice had answered ‘ this is your world, a world your mind had created.
“but how? I have a bad mindset.” I asked, but there was no answer. I walked ahead of the calm breeze in a world which was white, just white. A path of flowers were also there. All the white flowers and petal I had cut was there. As I walk with a bright smile admiring all of these flowers, I realized I was stuck. I couldn’t walk anymore. My surroundings hurriedly turned black with flashing lights and whispers about how I look. I was scared, I was uncomfortable, I couldn’t control it. I let out a large scream. I felt… relieved? I had never got to scream…out of anger. A gentle breeze brushed my hair and the voice had spoken.
“I am your insecurity, a beautiful field of flowers indicated your insecurity. It was a beautiful field wasn’t it? The dark world you had stepped in was the mindset that was stopping you from it. Go out, run free, don’t care what people say. Maybe that scar of yours would be permanent but who cares about a scar? There is nothing to be afraid of. Everything your mind saw in this world are just illusion. What you eyes saw was different. Make friends who you can make them feel better. Don’t be near toxic people, don’t look at ‘beautiful’ pictures of woman. Step out of your mindset, it will take some time but you’ll feel better. But for now you have me. The flowers I had sent you were a reminder. Make your life feel fresh!”
Tears run down my eyes, did I ever get someone who cared for me? I was touched. For the sake of this voice. I had made myself become confident. It took a few months or so but I was still happy. I didn’t have to live a depressing life… my insecurities were never gone and I also never liked them till know but if I keep looking at it what will I get from it?